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I am not feeling remotely excited about the holidays. In fact, I would kinda like December to just hurry up and get over with.
I feel like a bum. I'm having trouble in general finding motivation to do, well, anything, and I think it's coming to a bit of a head at the moment.
Part of the problem is that my mother is always gone now, which leaves me stuck at home. She's gone again this week to Oregon, and once again, stuck. My father very calmly told her that if she went this week not to bother coming back, but she never takes anything like that seriously. I kept telling her not to bother going, and she kept telling me that she had no choice, but I called her bullshit and told her that even if for some bizarre reason she was to be fired for not going (not gonna happen, she volunteered for the trip), none of us would care if she quit since the job isn't that great anyways. She spends more money going away on her trips than she makes.
In response, she told me that she doesn't like being home, it's boring, the house is a mess, and she doesn't have any fun here. Like a goddamn teenager. I told her to just go. When I told Ari, I mentioned that people usually like to go out and experience things, but he immediately replied, "Yeah, but not like this." And he's right.
All I do is field phone calls between my mother and my father. My dad is horribly bitter and angry pretty much all day every day, making it impossible for me to even talk to him. And my mom is my mom - manic. Every day is different. In the middle of it all, I'm raising my younger brother, and I'm so fucking tired of it. He's a really good kid - he is. He has a big mouth, and he's very passionate, but he's so kind and smart, I can never really stay mad at him for very long. I'm starting to realize now just how much he's grown up to be like me, which is both a good and a bad thing, I suppose.
My dad had previously told me he was going to pay off my old loan last month. Now, he isn't sure he has enough money anymore, and I know it's because of the hundreds of dollars my mother needs to go on her trips. I mean, you can't ask for $400 for two weeks when you only make $900 during those weeks. She does get her expenses back, but most of the time, those checks don't make it to my dad, since something has to provide for the pills.
All I can do is hope that he can come up with the money somehow, because if he doesn't, I'm not sure I can take any classes in winter. He and I both know this. I might be able to do something, but I definitely couldn't do any more than 4 credits, and I'd have to pay for it myself, which isn't going to happen what with moving out. In turn, it's going to take even longer to get this stupid degree and Meridan is going to get more and more irritated with me that I can't just finish so that we can leave Olympia. Actually, truth is, either way we're going to have to go to wherever he decides to go to grad school year after next, which means that if I'm not done, I'll have to transfer somewhere, making the whole process stupidly hard.
Ugh. I'm sorry that I always make these long whiny LJ posts (if you're smart, you skim them), but it helps me work stuff out in my head, you know?
The time has come for selfishness. The time has come for me to get the most that I can out of this family before the end of the year, because if I don't, I will never be able to move on.
I feel like a bum. I'm having trouble in general finding motivation to do, well, anything, and I think it's coming to a bit of a head at the moment.
Part of the problem is that my mother is always gone now, which leaves me stuck at home. She's gone again this week to Oregon, and once again, stuck. My father very calmly told her that if she went this week not to bother coming back, but she never takes anything like that seriously. I kept telling her not to bother going, and she kept telling me that she had no choice, but I called her bullshit and told her that even if for some bizarre reason she was to be fired for not going (not gonna happen, she volunteered for the trip), none of us would care if she quit since the job isn't that great anyways. She spends more money going away on her trips than she makes.
In response, she told me that she doesn't like being home, it's boring, the house is a mess, and she doesn't have any fun here. Like a goddamn teenager. I told her to just go. When I told Ari, I mentioned that people usually like to go out and experience things, but he immediately replied, "Yeah, but not like this." And he's right.
All I do is field phone calls between my mother and my father. My dad is horribly bitter and angry pretty much all day every day, making it impossible for me to even talk to him. And my mom is my mom - manic. Every day is different. In the middle of it all, I'm raising my younger brother, and I'm so fucking tired of it. He's a really good kid - he is. He has a big mouth, and he's very passionate, but he's so kind and smart, I can never really stay mad at him for very long. I'm starting to realize now just how much he's grown up to be like me, which is both a good and a bad thing, I suppose.
My dad had previously told me he was going to pay off my old loan last month. Now, he isn't sure he has enough money anymore, and I know it's because of the hundreds of dollars my mother needs to go on her trips. I mean, you can't ask for $400 for two weeks when you only make $900 during those weeks. She does get her expenses back, but most of the time, those checks don't make it to my dad, since something has to provide for the pills.
All I can do is hope that he can come up with the money somehow, because if he doesn't, I'm not sure I can take any classes in winter. He and I both know this. I might be able to do something, but I definitely couldn't do any more than 4 credits, and I'd have to pay for it myself, which isn't going to happen what with moving out. In turn, it's going to take even longer to get this stupid degree and Meridan is going to get more and more irritated with me that I can't just finish so that we can leave Olympia. Actually, truth is, either way we're going to have to go to wherever he decides to go to grad school year after next, which means that if I'm not done, I'll have to transfer somewhere, making the whole process stupidly hard.
Ugh. I'm sorry that I always make these long whiny LJ posts (if you're smart, you skim them), but it helps me work stuff out in my head, you know?
The time has come for selfishness. The time has come for me to get the most that I can out of this family before the end of the year, because if I don't, I will never be able to move on.
