(no subject)

I thought that I could do this thing, this love letter to my friends that they've all been posting lately. I sat down here and was completely prepared to tell you all individually why I love you so much. But I don't think I can. I'll just have to say a little bit and call it good, and you'll have to pick what you can out of the mess. I'll make you work for your compliments, or something.

Look at all of us. We might have bonded together just because we were a bunch of individual shell-shocked nerds at Livebridge desperately needing to find a clique of misfits - god knows, that place is enough like high school that it's no wonder we all felt so lost.

But the reason we're still friends has drifted away somewhat from that. I honestly think that we stick together now because we're like little fucked-up puzzle pieces that are useless individually, but come together to make one big, cohesive something.

I'm sorry, that metaphor was nauseating. But I promised myself I wouldn't delete any of this, so you'll just have to wait to go throw up until the end. Meanwhile, I'll get to the point.

Here's the thing. I know what I'm like. I know that I'm pushy and opinionated and bossy and like some sort of army tank most times. I know that I tell you all constantly what you should be doing with your lives, and I know just how ironic it is coming from a fuck-up like myself. I've always been like this, ever since I was a little girl. But I like to think - it's probably way off the mark, but I still like to think it - that I'm helping in some little way to motivate you guys to be who you want to be. I really, really want you all to be happy. It's not that I like to win - yeah, I do enjoy being right, I'm not going to deny that. But I get an immense sense of joy when you guys succeed at something that I've been able to help you with.

I suppose it's all because I want to feel needed. I want to feel like I'm doing something, like I'm giving you something you wouldn't have without me. I'm so annoying otherwise...

Anyway. That's not a psychological road I'm looking to go down tonight.

The thing that really got me with all of you and made me realize just how much I care about you all was when I finally, for once, instead of fixing my own problem, I threw it on you lot. So many tiny little barbs of pain came together in my head that night that I got kicked out, and for a few minutes, I just couldn't deal with it on my own and I called. If I'd waited ten minutes, I would have been past that threshold, I would have been fine, and to tell you the truth, I wish to God I had waited. But because I didn't, I know now that I have absolutely wonderful, dependable, trustworthy friends and I thank you so much for it. And regardless if you were there that night or not, I have realized that you're all far too good to me.

There. I said it. I can block it from my mind now, and go back to being made of truck. (For while it is true that our dear Aleph is made of truck the most, I think I can allow myself to come second in that category. I've earned it, bitches.)

I need some fucking ice cream. I'm gonna go watch Love & Sex now (still best X-mas gift ever, Kear!) for the billionth time and recharge myself. Damn.