moving on

First off, I forgot to thank all of you last time for your love and support.  I appreciate it so much, particularly because you mean far more to me than the majority of my blood relatives.  Your condolences actually mean something, and thank you.

Well.  My mom's funeral/memorial type thing was as bad as I'd figured.  It was nice to see a few people there, but for the most part, fuck that shit.  My grandmother was exactly as disgusting as I imagined she'd be, and she wouldn't leave me the fuck alone the entire time.  I decided to skip any potential scenes by being as polite and neutral as possible - everyone already thought I was going to be all hysterical, so I figured I'd wait.  She got my address, and as soon as she sends me something, I'll write a letter back.  It'll be quite the doozy - I'm looking forward to it.

I rarely say this about people, but I hope she dies alone.  She's earned it.  When she told me that I would learn someday about how your firstborn always holds a special place in your heart, I wanted to punch her face in.  I learned all about her secrets many years ago from many other family members - I know all about that special place she had for Mom.  

My mom never stood up for herself, but by god, I can stand up for her now.

Anyways.  It's done, and now I can forget about it once and for all.  You can't pick your family, after all.

Now my life goes on.  I have a house to maintain now, my house.  Until we're stable, my father will still be paying on it, but for all intents and purposes, it's my home.  My first goal is to make it my home.  I loved my mom, still do, and I love her things, but I know that most of it has to go.  I have to make my own space, I can't live here and feel like it's her home all the time.  Plus, it helps me to move on.

I've agreed with Meridan that the garage will be a longish term solution for storing her things.  I'm not really ready to give much away yet, but putting it in the garage will help me feel that I can deal with it later, perhaps in the summer.  

The dog misses her, but we're giving her as much love as we can manage.

Meridan and I are moving into my mom's room.  We have to take the master bedroom, it's just not logical for us to keep staying in the tiny room.  Plus, that's Ari's room, really, and he needs to have a place to sleep when he stays.  Also - I'm not sleeping in a bunk bed anymore, goddamnit.  So, I'm going to clear everything out, pack it up and take it to the garage, and there we go.  She was barely in there anymore anyways, so it doesn't even really feel all that much like her in there.  

When I focus on my future, I don't feel so sad.  I hate to be profiting off of Mom's death, but I know exactly what she would have wanted.  

My dad is still pretty crushed.  He was saddest of us all, I think, despite their divorce.  When you think about the years spent together and how much he loved her - I'm not surprised.  

And so, we're homeowners now.  My uncle is still here, but I don't really know for how long.  To be honest, I'll be a bit glad when he's gone, but I don't mind him here.  It is what it is.

Mom kept saying this was going to be our year this year.  I'm going to make it our year.  For her.